Its an amazing experience to hear my son angry and full of bile. If we drive to the park, the ride is spicy with his acerbic comments.When we arrive, he really starts throwing the manure. “What are you gonna give me for this!? I am not getting out of this car!! No way. You can’t make me. I hate the outdoors!!”
I love the outdoors. For me to get this far is amazing. To be standing in a parking lot in a state park with open space around us is this overwhelming experience. I used to walk every day, in big parks near my home. Now with my son, there is nothing but staying indoors for days and weeks at a time. I’m breathing for the first time in days. I feel sun on me, peace, gentle breezes. And I hear screaming.
For the first time, I really imagine “This is his truth. This is actually how he feels. He is not manipulating me, he is not controlling me, he is not programmed to be negative.”
So I step forward and put an arm around his shoulders. In delicate soft tones, I say, “Goodness you hate this don’t you? That’s awful. I’m so sorry you feel this way. This is awful. I’m so sorry.”
And again I pick up my water bottle from the backseat, find my sunglasses, and smile at the sky. Yes yes yes, I love this! And I just enjoy, and let him be. I gave him real, heartfelt sympathy, and now I have real heartfelt joy for me and hopefully he will benefit, one day.
And for the first time, he climbs out of the car and with a few bitter statements, starts to walk the path with me. He is joking soon, and then playing 20 questions with characters from video games that I can’t guess because I don’t know the games. He is funny and vibrant and open and easy. He still asks when we can turn around approximately every five minutes. Yet before, it was a topic that never ended. “When will we turn around?” had been an urgent refrain, bleated constantly.
And now we enjoy walks. He jokes and climbs in and out of the car without a concern. There is no more bitterness or disgust or rage. He is peaceful and even excited sometimes.
I wonder if it is impossible for us to accept the healing life has waiting for us unless we have been seen and heard.